Lost Shoe

I lost a shoe. This is not funny. I lost a running shoe.

I know I'm kind of a mess, but let me tell you. The one and only area of my life that I am fully organized and capable is my shoes. I keep every single pair of shoes that I own in their original box, stacked in my closet, picture facing out, according to style and frequency of wear. The ones that don't come in a box: AKA flip flops, shoes from Old Navy, are placed in a shoe organizer that hangs neatly in my closet.

I always have three categories of running shoes. They are:

1. Long Run Shoes: These are my newest, nicest shoes. They are reserved for only long runs, on nice days when they won't get muddy.
2. Short Run Shoes: These are previous long run shoes that have transitioned to being used for all shorter runs, going to the gym, and all my Jillian Michaels DVDs.
3. Dog Walking Shoes: The short run shoes go here when they get too worn out to actually support my feet during running and look too gross to wear to the gym. I wear these when I'm walking dogs or working in the yard (that doesn't happen).

I keep my running shoes in their original box under the guest room bed, right next to where I keep my running clothes so that I have easy access. There is no where else that they should be! When I come home from running, I take off the shoes and leave them out to dry. When they have dried sufficiently so I don't think I run the risk of athlete's foot, I put them back in their box and under the bed.

There is absolutely no room for losing a shoe in this routine. But low and behold, when I went to return my short run shoe to its box yesterday, there was only one there. One shoe! WTF?? This throws off my whole routine!!! Now I have to choose between wearing my ugly, no support, dog-walking shoes out in public and risking injury... or worse... embarrassment and shame at my loser-ish shoes. OR I could wear my long-run shoes and risk getting them dirty and worn out before their time and having to invest in new long run shoes before I'm ready... what is a girl to do?!?

I know this is the work of that brown dog. I'm sure he probably picked it up, chewed it up, and hid it. I wouldn't be surprised to find that he'd also peed on it. Well Mr. Dog, no running for you until my shoe is recovered.

Freedom!!!

Yesterday was my last final of the semester! And let me tell you, I rocked this whole community college thing. I liken it to the episode of Friends where Monica takes the beginner cooking class and fashions a gold star so the teacher can award it to her for making the best cookies. And yes, I do feel like a phony sometimes, but no one has to know that I actually already have a degree.

My teachers love me. Its because I do things like show up to class, turn stuff in, study for tests, show up for tests. I really don't think they expect their students to listen and do things they're told.

Like, in my Textiles class, we have at least one assignment due every week. So I turn my assignment in every week. But, it doesn't matter when you turn an assignment in; you still get full credit for it... even if it isn't done! And before our tests our teacher gives us a study guide and lets us bring a page of notes, front & back, to use on the test. So what do I do? I fill out the study guide and bring it to the test where all of the questions are directly off of the study guide and SURPRISE!!! I ace the test. Then our teacher says that since so many people failed the test, she will let you retake it if you want. Umm... what??

Anyways, I won't let the semester end without a few funny stories from the last few weeks:

• We had our last test before the Human Sexuality final a couple of weeks ago. In the class following the test, our teacher handed back our tests and prepared to go over them with us. Right before she started, Hookah Girl walked in. Our teacher gave her a sour look and continued without handing back Hookah Girl's test. I figured she was just pissed that this girl walks in late everyday. After going over all of the questions and talking about the test for like 30 minutes, the teacher asks if there are any questions. HG raises her hand and says, "Did I like, miss a test or something?"
• Our final section in Human Sexuality covered such wonderful subjects as STDs, Sex Therapy, and Sexual Deviancy. We're discussing exhibitionism in class when Hookah Girl raises her hand. "Sometimes when I'm in the car I like to flash my friends in the car next to me. Does that mean I'm an exhibitionist?" Girlfriend, we've got bigger problems than that.
• At my Chemistry review, my teacher was talking to a girl and somehow it came up that she was 22. My teacher couldn't believe it... thought she was like 18. "You look so young!" Then she looks directly at me and says, "Jamie, you're old like me right?" Hmm... this is the first time I've gotten this comment. She goes on to say, "I don't know what it is but there's something about you that makes me think you are older..." Ahh yes, it must be my aura of wisdom, the grace with which I carry myself, the general lack of VS Pink in my wardrobe... "I think its the way you wear your hair." Ouch. At least she didn't say the wrinkles around my eyes.

So that's it! I'm done with school for the next ten days!!! What does that mean?? Lots of cleaning the house, working in the yard, running, and hopefully blogging! Lucky you!

Bitter is the New Black

To: jen@jenlancaster.com
From: allaboutjamie
Date: May 19, 2010
Subject: DMB = Suck

Dear Jen,

Although I am a huge fan, read your blog, and regularly refer to you as my bestie, I only just finally finished your first book! I actually started with Such a Pretty Fat. Not surprising as I seem to have a strange obsession with all things fat.

Anyways! I loved it so much that ran directly to my library (I'm broke, so I can't support you, BFF) and checked out Bright Lights Big Ass and Pretty in Plaid (audio book! Changed my life!). But the dang library had a huge waiting list for Bitter.

Usually I get through your books quick because you are super funny and I find that I can't put them down. However, my turn at the Johnson County Library came at a very inopportune time. I had lots of tests and papers and blah blah blah due at school, and I'm trying to keep my priorities straight. I started to come up on the 3-week time limit of books and figured I would just renew it online for another 3 weeks when I could take my time and enjoy your hilarity. But when I tried, the library Nazis told me I couldn't renew because there was a waiting list for this book! What?! I was unaware of this rule! This is so not okay! I'm only like half way through the best book ever!

So I did what anyone would do... I blew off studying for my finals in order to finish the book and avoid the emptiness I would surely feel having not known how your job search turned out, being placed back on the waiting list, or worse... having to incur a $0.15 / day late fee. How 'bout those priorities?

It was totally worth it.

I already knew all about being a sorority girl and wearing pink and pearls, but I absolutely loved hearing your story unfold from the beginning. My heart melted at the story of finding Loki and Maisy. I put "eat twinkwich" on my bucket list. I so wish I'd gotten married in Vegas during a porn convention. And I was appalled at your experience with the Chicago Marathon! We runners are usually a very nice bunch. I'm sorry they were so mean to you!

But really, it was when you said that Dave Matthews makes you want to kick puppies that I knew we were soul mates.

Love you! Love the book! Might actually have to pony up and buy My Fair Lazy since the JoCo Library Nazis aren't stocking it. And most of all, I'm so thankful that you decided to write instead of rejoining corporate America!

Supersize Me,
Jamie

P.S. Totally laughed out loud when you got drunk and decided it was a good idea to wear your overalls sans shirt underneath while entertaining guests. Good news! I heard overalls are making a comeback. Who needs shirts, right?