They Can't All Be Great

Or... Worst. Run. Ever.

Or... What Doesn't Kill You Only Makes You Stronger.

Or... Why I Probably Wouldn't Survive in the Dessert.

Today's 16 miler was the worst run of my life. Seriously. But let's start at the beginning... when I was setting my coffee pot last night to start this morning. I usually make the wake-up time decision when I'm setting my coffee pot at night. I was seriously exhausted. So, I pondered which would be worse: a super tired run early in the morning before it got super hot, or a less tired but hotter run later in the morning. Sleep won out as it usually does and I set the coffee to start at 7:00 instead of 5:00 when I would usually get up to do a long run in the blistering heat.

My run didn't start off great... I just wasn't feeling it for the first few miles. I started out on the trails at Corporate Woods and headed towards Olathe for an out and back. I was supposed to do 15 per my schedule. At about mile 6 I started to get those good running vibes... you know... the runner's high. So I decided that since I'd skipped out on a couple miles of one of my earlier training runs this week, I'd make up for it by doing 16 instead of 15 today. I mean, that would only mean running another half mile out. I probably wouldn't even notice.

At about mile 10 my good feelings had all but gone out the window. Since it was warm, I was stopping every two miles to have a drink. At mile 10 I walked almost half a mile because my legs were so tired. Then I started back up again. At mile 12 I was passed by a man pushing twins in a jogging stroller. I took this as a bad sign.

Mile 13 things just fell apart. It was hot, but not like super hot. And I thought I was doing a good job of staying hydrated. But at mile 13 my entire body broke out in goose bumps. I remembered back to a Hospital Hill clinic that Brooke and I attended where they told us that getting goose bumps while running in the heat is your body's last ditch effort to cool itself off before things shut down. Yikes. Unfortunately, I was three miles away from my car and on a stretch of the trail that I was pretty sure didn't have any water fountains.

I walked a long way and tried to stay in the shade as much as possible. After about half a mile I decided there was no way I could walk another two and a half miles to my car. I'm not that patient. So I made a plan to run a quarter mile, walk a quarter mile, run a quarter mile... until I reached my car. I started to run slowly and made it about a tenth of a mile before I felt like I was going to collapse. Looks like I'm walking.

I hate walking on the trails. I hate seeing passing runners. Every time someone ran by I tried to do my best to look like I was just taking a quick water break and not having a complete meltdown. No one else seemed too hot. One gal even passed me in shorts and a sports bra with her long hair down. I hate when people do this. Seriously, I refuse to think of you as a serious runner if you can't even put your hair in a ponytail. I don't care how flat your abs are. You look like an idiot. See... I was getting mean at this point. I blame it on the heat exhaustion.

I passed a playground at mile 14-ish and desperately looked for a water fountain. Nothing. At mile 15, in between cursing myself for running out that extra half mile, I had an epiphany. I knew there was another playground coming up and I was sure it had to have a drinking fountain. There were tennis and basketball courts at this one so obviously there would be a water fountain. There had to be!

As I walked on, my body took a turn for the worse. My legs grew increasingly heavy and my back felt like I'd been carrying a thousand pounds (Hello Drama Queen!). I put my hands on my hips and for some reason the spot under my water bottle holder was like burning up. I freaked out that my kidneys were on fire so I took off my waist pack (again, it is not a fanny pack) and carried the damn thing like a purse the rest of the way. I dragged myself and my purse down the trail thinking I could have my own episode of I Shouldn't Be Alive.

As I approached the playground I had visions of filling my bottle and dumping it on my head. I could feel the sensations of chugging all that glorious water until my stomach ached. I was at mile 15.5 now, but my body felt so bad that I decided I would sit on a bench in the shade and rest until I felt good enough to make my way to my car. And... there was no water fountain. Nothing. I seriously collapsed onto a bench and almost cried. I was so tired and so thirsty. I was so sad.

Then a couple of super cute tough looking runner girls approached and my pride got the best of me. I hopped up from the bench and maybe pretended I'd just been stretching. And I walked on.

The trail goes along a little creek-ish water type thing that really only has water in it when there's been rain. Once I saw a dead raccoon in there. It was pretty full and I actually contemplated jumping in... or at the very least sticking my bottle in there to fill it. Dead raccoon. Dead raccoon. Don't do it.

Wait! Up ahead, just before you get to the area where I parked is a giant fountain! I will jump in it! It will be wonderful! I will swim around and cool off and it will be amazing! Once Trophy Wife saw Swim Suit Man swimming in that fountain. Maybe we shouldn't have made fun of him. Maybe he was just suffering from heat exhaustion. Umm... yeah. The GD fountain wasn't on today. Probably because they'd had problems with assholes in their swimsuits using it as a pool

Okay, I'm almost to my car. I decide to call Drew. I carry my phone in my fanny waist pack for emergencies such as breaking my ankle, getting heat exhaustion, spotting Swim Suit Man. I don't think I realized what bad shape I was in until Drew answered. I could barely talk. And all I wanted to do was cry. I tried like three times to tell him that I think I have heat exhaustion and he could not understand me. He finally asked if I was okay and I got out a good solid "No!" and scared the bejeeses out of him. He told me he would come pick me up, but I was really only a quarter mile-ish away from my car.

Finally. Finally I'm there. I can see my car. It is only like 100 yards away. I have a whole bottle of water in there and I'm so excited to drink it! There's also a drinking fountain right here. I will fill my bottle and drink the whole thing before I even reach my car! I'm saved! Nope. Drinking fountain doesn't work. Yep. That sounds about right.

I get in my car, blast the air, chug my water, and cry. I call Drew, still barely able to speak, and then drive to Brooke's house where I steal chocolate milk from Jack's stash and pass out on her floor. Her animals were very concerned.

The End.

Okay, this got a bit longer than I anticipated... but to summarize: Sometimes running sucks. A lot. But, I'm assuming that this was my one bad run during training. There's always got to be one, right? And the rest should be super fantabulous where I end tired and a little bit sore but with a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction. At least they'd better be.

Blasty from the Past

Or... When I was a Teenage Stalker.

I'm in Wichita. It is hot here... like 108 degrees. My mom told me I have to get rid of all the stuff I still have in my room so they can turn it into a gym guest room. So, as I was going through all of my old photo albums, I thought it would be selfish to keep such great things to myself. So I'm sharing.

These are all from my senior year album. Let's start with senior pictures. Remember how important those were???

Is it just me or can you see lint all over my sweater in the above photo? Classy Jamie. Real classy.

Everyone took senior pictures with their dad, right? No? Just me? Whatevs...

These were taken before the now infamous eyebrow plucking of 2001. My poor eyebrows never grew back...



One of the more glamorous senior shots:


Wait a minute... that's not a senior picture! But dang if I don't look awesome.

I regret the choice of red nails:



Moving on. On to Homecoming! Brandy is on the far left. She was up for Homecoming court every single year we were in high school. And never ever won.


Although I had a boyfriend at the time, I chose to take a different guy to Homecoming. He's the red head in the middle:


Looking through my senior year photo album, you'd think that he was my boyfriend. Let's just say I was a major stalker / swim fan had a slight crush on him. And there are an embarrassing amount of photos of us together in this album. And there isn't a single one of my boyfriend.

Moving on to Prom:

Yep, I took him to Prom too. At the time this seemed normal, but looking back I'm guessing he was just really nice and didn't know how to let me down easy. And I don't think I did a very good job of hiding my obsession crush.

Oh. And check out my really classy dress:

If you are wondering why it looks like I'm pushing my stomach out in these pictures, it's because I am. My mom told me that I was in no way shape or form allowed to get my belly button pierced and that if I did she would not be paying for my Prom dress. So I hiked up the bottom until we left my house.

And just to make myself feel better, I wasn't the only one in a really awful two piece. It was very trendy at the time:

And here we are at the dance where I'm showing off said belly piercing:

I have to say, the belly ring gives just the right touch of class to the whole outfit. As does my date's lack of tux jacket.

In other news, I still have that exact same belly ring. I know I'm too old and it is super lame, but I like it. And I'm not taking it out. I got the ring instead of the bar because that's what Britney Spears had. Yep. Keeping it classy.

Oh, and my mom saw the piercing the very next day. So none of this is a surprise to her. It wasn't the worst thing I ever did.

Next up: Graduation!

This photo was taken at our senior breakfast. That's the infamous Nicky to my right.

Now, check out the dude to my left. My left, not your left. Does he look familiar??? Yep. That's John. He was on the Bachelorette this season and to Nicky & my great disappointment was kicked off on the first episode. We were devastated.

Formal graduation picture:

Me & Jess and the grandparents:

Jess was a sport and put on her gown and pretended to graduate so we could get lots and lots of pictures together.

The next one is a little rough. I had to rip all of these out of the album so they got a bit roughed up in the process. But this is me and Nicky after the actual graduation ceremony:

Apparently we had the same taste in sparkly eye shadow. And I liked to take long layers to the extreme. Whatevs. We were super hot. And super classy.

That seems to have been the theme for the year.

Army of Skanks

My weekend in pictures, and quotes.... Warning: This post contains frequent use of the word whore. As in... Boo, you whore.

"Four for you Glen Coco! You go Glen Coco!"
"Happy hour is from four to six!"


"Oh you'll get socialized alright... a little slice like you."

"Is there alcohol in this?"

"Boo you whore."

"Danny Divito, I love your work!!!"

"Get in loser. We're going shopping."

"Being with the plastics was like being famous. People looked at you all the time and everyone just knew stuff about you."

"Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?"*

"I'm pretty sure my cat's been reading my diary."*

"You look terrible. I look awesome."*

"At your age you're going to have lots of urges. You're going to want to take off your clothes and touch each other. But if you do touch each other, you will get chlamidia. And die."**

"You're wearing sweat pants. It's Monday."

"We should totally just stab Caesar!"

"Nice wig, what's it made of?"

"Your mom's chest hair!"

"I saw Cady Heron wearing army pants and flip flops so I bought army pants and flip flops."

"Say crack again." "Crack."

"My nanna takes her wig off when she's drunk."

"Africa, you did the damn thing!"

"I love seeing teachers outside of school. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs."

"Made out with a hot dog? OMG. That was one time!"

"Oh hell no. I did not leave the south side for this."

"I wish I could bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles and everyone would eat and be happy."

"The limit does not exist!"

"You want to do something fun? You want to go to Taco Bell?"

"Halloween is the one night of the year when girls can dress like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it."

"You all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores!"

"She's a scum sucking road whore! She ruined my life!"

"I want my pink shirt back! I want my pink shirt back!"

"Why do you wear your hair like that? Your hair looks so sexy pushed back!"

"Everyone in Africa knows Swedish."

"Somebody wrote in that book that I'm lying about being a virgin because I use super jumbo tampons. But I can't help it that I have a wide set vagina and a heavy flow."

"I just want to say that you're all winners. And I couldn't be happier that this school year is ending."

*Switching to Glee quotes for a moment.
*Okay, back to Mean Girls.